TO THE DEATH by Patrick Robinson

Several years ago, George W. Bush said, speaking of the war on terror, that "You're either with us or against us." This black-and-white philosophy pretty well defines To the Death, a Patrick Robinson thriller that has as much gung-ho American patriotism as any episode of 24.

Set in 2012, this novel opens with two thwarted terrorist attacks: a bomb in Boston International Airport and a hijacked plane. After interrogation in Guantamano, the captured terrorist reveals the location of the main nemesis of To the Death: General Ravi Rashood, the Commander-in-Chief of Hamas and a former British military man. After a failed attempt to kill Rashood by the Israelis, Rashood and his femme fatale wife Shakira are given a mission: to assassinate Admiral Arnold Morgan, the controversial Presidential advisor and main enemy of terrorists.

Meanwhile, Lt. Commander Jimmy Ramshawe, the Assistant Director of the NSA, has begun piecing together the various seemingly random events that indicate what Ravi and Shakira are up to. The bulk of the novel are the parallel workings, as Ravi and Shakira work to place themselves in a position to kill Morgan while Ramshawe tries to figure out their plan and protect Morgan.

As a thriller, To the Death is decent. There's quite a large number of people -- the first three pages are a cast of characters -- but since the focus is on action and the procedures of covert missions and interdepartmental cooperation, character is mostly secondary. The twin operations are contrasted nicely, and there is some good suspense.

What really put me off To the Death was how absolutely wonderful the good guys are and how absolutely evil the bad guys are. All the good guys get along perfectly, have no flaws (except, gosh, that they love America just too darm much), and are perfectly willing to ignore any pesky laws that interfere with their plans. By absolute contrast, every single Arab or Muslim is either a terrorist or providing support to terrorists. (Robinson also has some of his heroes toss around the slur "towelheads" quite often.) The wicked press is only interested in selling stories, making up stuff and endangering America in the process. Any politicians who don't automatically support this our-way-bar-none approach to national security are motivated by selfish ambition. "With us or against us" indeed!

The best thrillers give us characters we care about, and plots that make us think, as well as action and tension. To the Death, alas, is too mired in shallow stereotypes (both of the good and bad guys) that distract from what could have been a decent thriller.

Overall grade: C-

Reviewed by James Lynch

THE DARK KNIGHT

Batman returns to the big screen in a tremendous way in The Dark Knight. In a summer with a large number of quality superhero movies -- Iron Man, Hellboy 2, The Incredible Hulk -- The Dark Knight stands out with all-around quality, from the edge-of-your-seat action to an impressive script backed by equally impressive acting.

At the start of this movie, things are going well for Gotham City. Batman (played by Christian Bale) is both popular with the people and has the mob on the ropes by attacking their money sources. Lieutenant James Gordon (Gary Oldman) is officially denying involvement with the Batman while shining the Batsignal and working with him. And the city's "white knight" is Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart), the district attorney who's fearless in taking on the mob. Dent is such a popular, courageous, and overall good warrior that Batman is considering retiring his superhero ways and finally being with Rachel (Maggie Gyllenhaal, taking over from the role from Katie Holmes in Batman Begins) -- even though Rachel is happily dating Dent. Meanwhile, Batman still gets moral support from Alfred (Michael Caine) and hardware support from Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman).

Absolute chaos hits Gotham City with the Joker (Heath Ledger), a scarred psychopath in makeup. From the heist on a mob-owned bank to destroying buildings and killing people, the Joker is a perfect portrait of madness and homidice. While there were fears that the sensation surrounding the actor's death would create hype that his performance could not meet, Ledger creates the perfect Joker.

His performance is one of many great ones in The Dark Knight. It's somewhat ironic that while Batman is the protagonist and star of the movie, Christian Bale has some of the least challenges as an actor here; it's not that his performance is weak, but he speaks gruff as Batman and doesn't offer much tension as Bruce Wayne considers hanging up the cape and cowl. As I mentioned earlier, Eckhart is amazing as Harvey Dent, the unmasked face of justice for Gotham City. He isn't flawless, and his intense focus hints at his ultimate fate. Gary Oldman shines again as James Gordon, an honest cop thrilled to be working with men like Dent and Batman -- and struggling to keep things together as the Joker's madness and destruction wears away the hope of Gotham City. Caine and Freeman are fine in their supporting roles, and Gyllenhaal provides Rachel with some backbone as she both fights the good fight and reminds Bruce Wayne not to pin his hopes for a normal life on her.

Did I mention how exciting The Dark Knight was? The movie opens with an intense bank robbery and keeps on delivering. There are amazing fist-fights, nail-biting vehicle chases (including a game of chicken between the Batcycle and a huge truck), and much more. Unlike Batman Begins where most battles were a series of dizzyng quick camera cuts, The Dark Knight shows the Batman as a skilled warrior.

My only complaint with the movie is its length -- over two and a half hours -- and reducing some of the time spent on the romantic triangle could have cut this down a little. That's a very small complaint from an amazing movie. The script is smart, the action and acting is truly impressive, and this could be the best movie of the summer -- as well as an example of everything a summer blockbuster can and should be. The Dark Knight is not just a great "comic book movie" but an epic adventure by any standard.

Overall Grade: A+

Reviewed by James Lynch

HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY

Everyone's favorite big red monster good guy is back! Hellboy II: The Golden Army brings Hellboy and the rest of the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense back to battle the supernatural villains that threaten humanity. While the storylines can be a bit run of the mill here, the visuals are creative and superb.

Inside the B.P.R.D. there are plenty of tensions. Hellboy (Ron Perlman) has lots of tension, both in his new romantic relationship with the pyrokinetic Liz Sherman (Selma Blair) and his desire to go public -- which irritates his boss Tom Manning (Jeffrey Tambor). The aquatic Abe Sapien (Doug Jones) tries to keep the peace, and new member Johaan Krauss (voiced by Seth MacFarlane, of Family Guy fame) is a by-the-book German whose ectopolasmic body animates a mechanical suit.

And there are villains. In a pre-credits fairy tale, we learn that centuries ago the elves created an invincible Golden Army, but after seeing its devastation on the humans the Elven king decided never to use it again. Now the renegade Prince Nuada (Luke Goss) has decided to take control of the army and unite the supernatural beings of the world against the humans. Princess Nuala (Anna Walton) flees with the piece of the crown Nuada needs to awaken the army, which leads her to the B.P.R.D. (and a romantic relationship with Abe). But she is linked psychically (and, in a way, physically) with her brother, so it's not long before he comes after her.

The innumerable subplots can get a little wearying, and some parts are downright predictable (though I couldn't have predicated a drunk Hellboy and Abe singing along to Barry Manilow). The acting is fine, there are many very good action sequences -- and the effects are astounding! This movie is populated with a spectacular diversity of creatures, from small carnivorous Tooth Fairies to a giant forest elemental that would give the creature from Cloverfield a run for its money. The Golden Army itself is a hellish amalgam of golden metal and glowing red fire, while the various critters that pop up are a wonder to behold. The acting is consistently good (though I think anyone who could do a German accent could have done Krauss as well), but for me the action and especially the visuals make Hellboy II: The Golden Army a really fun summer movie!

Overall Grade: B+

Reviewed by James Lynch

Ichi the Killer

There are violent movies, there are really violent movies, and then there's Ichi the Killer. This Japanese movie, from director Takashi Miike (who also directly the effectively disturbing The Audition), is so ridiculously over the top that it goes beyond gore and violence into comedy. This is one weird, wild ride.

All is not well in the Japanese underworld. Gang boss Anjo has disappeared, and his most loyal underling Kakihara (Tadanobu Asano) takes over the gang and is determined to find him. Kakihara has more than a few screws loose: He's as much a sadist as a masochist, he's as ready to mutilate himself as to torture others, and his most-used weapons are cooking skewers. There's Kaneko (Hiroyuki Tanaka), a good cop (and single father to a young boy) kicked off the force for losing his gun who was helped by Anjo years before and feels a sense of duty to him. Then there are the twisted pair of identical twin corrupt cops (both played by Suzuki Matsuo). And the trail leads to Ichi.

Ichi leaves a true trail of carnage behind him: Rooms are filled with corpses, blood, and formerly-internal organs. When we finally meet Ichi (Nao Omori), we see he's an adolescent mind in an adult body, sexually conflicted and intensely shy. His "costume" is an all-black outfit with shoulder pads, a big "1" in reflective lights ("ichi" is Japanese for "one"), and deadly razors that pop out of the heels. Ichi is often lying down crying and sobbing, and he is goaded into killing by Jijii (Shinya Tsukamoto), an old man who convinved Ichi that the men he kills are like the bullies who used to beat up Ichi. Oh, and Ichi helped defend Kaneko's son from some bullies.

You'll need a strong stomach and a twisted sense of humor to sit through Ichi the Killer -- but it's very worth it! Miike has the actors strolling through the carnage like it's another ordinary day (especially the mutilated Kakihara walking around in a bright purple robe), giving an almost comical sense of surrealism to what could have been another simple tale of revenge. The actors all do an excellent job with their roles, and there are quite a few surprises -- not to mention undoings and inversions of movie cliches. Take a walk on the wild and oh-so-bloody side and find Ichi the Killer.

Overall Grade: B+

Reviewed by James Lynch

Get Smart (2008)

Once again, the big screen is drawing upon the TV screen for inspiration, while years ago it used to go the other way. While last week it was Sex and the City, this time it is Get Smart. Also, this is another TV series that I have never seen a single episode of, although my excuse this time is that it was on back in 1965.

Steve Carrell, who I am not a big fan of, plays Maxwell Smart, the lead character. He is a an analyst at Control, a secret government agency that battles the evil forces of KAOS (which looks like the call letters of some radio station in the Midwest). When Control gets taken down, and they are short agents, and Maxwell gets his wish to be sent into the field as a full fledged Secret Agent. The only problem is that it is immediately apparent that he is in over his head, way over his head actually. So to counter his "newbie-ness" he is partnered up with veteran Agent 99, played by the up and coming Anne Hathaway. Faster than we can say "spy gadgets," the duo is off to combat the forces of evil.

Along the way, there is plenty of humor, and Get Smart draws upon plenty of source material. For example, there is a scene with a laser security system blanketing a room that looks like it was lifted from the film Entrapment. There is also a segment of Get Smart that throws in some of the props of the venerable TV series, including the iconic "shoe phone" that must have mesmerized audiences long before we all had smart phones on our belts.

My criticism of the film is that I think it loosens up a little too much at times. The plot is relegated to secondary status as Maxwell and Agent 99 continuously bicker how to handle a situation. Add in Maxwell's antics, and the emphasis on physical comedy to the exclusion of most everything else, and you can see how things constantly blowing up and falling, for no reason at times, can strain the attention span as repetitiveness abounds.

On the plus side, at least I've finally found a film that Steve Carrell seems better suited for. His goofy physical comedy works here, which seemed totally out of place in Dan In Real Life. Hathaway does a departure from her more serious roles into this type of comedy, and she did seem a little miscast at times, although I'm told that she looked like the character in the original series. Rounding out the ensemble was Dwayne Johnson, better known as "The Rock," who portrays Agent 23, the machisimo super agent that is the role model for all to aspire to.

What's the final verdict for Get Smart? I think it was a pretty good film, but it missed the mark for excellent. Those looking for a secret agent spoof film will enjoy it, and it is likely the start of a whole series of these from the box office sales of this reprised franchise. Fans of the old TV show will be pleased, but it was fine entertainment for those that had never seen the show as well.

Overall Grade: B (almost a B+)

Reviewed by Jonas

The Incredible Hulk

Marvel's angry green giant returns to the big screen in The Incredible Hulk, both the latest summer blockbuster superhero movie and part of Marvel's attempt to create a cohesive universe for their upcoming Avengers movie. Ang Lee's bizarre and disappointing interpretation of the Hulk mythos has been forgotten for a more traditional story.

The movie opens with flashbacks showing Bruce Banner (Edward Norton) accidentally turning himself into the Hulk, which leads to his injuring his girlfriend Betty Ross (Liv Tyler) and incurring the wrath of General "Thunderbolt" Ross (William Hurt) before destroying much of a military base and escaping.

We then see Banner living in Brazil, living as anonymously as possible while trying to cure his condition. He experiments with drugs, practices meditation and martial arts to control his rage. (A pulse monitor warns him when he gets too worked up.) He also corresponds anonymously with someone about his condition, and he pines for Betty.

The military hasn't given up on capturing Banner and turning his condition to a weapon. Ross is still determined to bring Banner in, and he recruits Emil Blonsky (Tim Roth), a hotshot soldier, to lead the capture. Blonsky is all action, and when he willingly lets others inject him with the "super soldier" serum to get stronger, well, neither fans of the comic book nor anyone who's seen the trailer for the movie will be surprises to find out where that leads.

This movie is a mix of action, drama, and melodrama -- with mixed results. The special effects are light years ahead of those for the last movie, and the Hulk's big battles -- against the military and the Abomination -- are truly amazing. Director Louis Letterier also handles the chases well, as Banner hauls ass while trying to keep his cool.

Unfortunately, when the movie slows down its flaws show through. Edward Norton shines as Bruce Banner, but the rest of the cast is one dimensional. Liv Tyler is extremely dull as the suffering love interest; and why did they bother to make her a scientist anyway? William Hurt is okay as General Ross (even if he looks and sounds exactly like Captain Stottlemeyer from Monk) but he's undercut by a character without any redeeming qualities -- a villain we're supposed to hate absolutely. Likewise, Tim Roth has little to do but fight scenes and express a desire for more action.

There are lots of small items tossed in for fans of the comic book (notably Tim Blake Nelson as Samuel Sterns, a likely candidate for the villain in the inevitable sequel), the inclusive Marvel movie universe being created (with a mention of Nick Fury and appearance by Tony Stark), not to mention cameos from Stan Lee, Lou Ferrigno, and even Bill Bixby. The Incredible Hulk does have a certain superficial feel to it that only vanishes when the big green guy is destroying stuff.

Overall Grade: B

Reviewed by James Lynch

Reaper

If you're missing the blend of horror, action, and action that's been missing since Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel left the air, take heart: Reaper delves into the same mix, with less detailed plotting but plenty of heart and fun.

Sam Oliver (Brett Harrison) is a slacker. He lives with his parents; he has a job at the Work Bench (a thinly-disguised Home Depot) where he hangs out with his best buds, the loud and wacky Bert "Sock" Wysocki (Tyler Labine) and more levelheaded Ben (Rick Gonzales), along with his cute female friend/wannabe love interest Andi (Missy Peregrym). On his 21st birthday things get weird for Sam, but he soon learns that there's a perfectly logical explanation: Before he was born, to save his father's life Sam's folks agreed to give the soul of their firstborn child to the Devil -- and he's come to collect.

The Devil (wonderfully played by Ray Wise) is always charming, always neatly dressed, and always has an angle. In this case, he decides that Sam will be his bounty hunter, catching evil souls that escaped from Hell (each of which has their own unique power) and sending them back. Usually after suddenly transporting Sam somewhere, telling him about his latest target, and sending him back, the Devil sends Sam a vessel to catch the soul. (These range from a Dirt Devil to a dove in a cage to an instant camera.) After a soul is caught, Sam brings it to the portal to hell -- the DMV -- where Gladys (Christine Willes) ships it down to the netherworld.

Sam is a reluctant hero at first, but he soon finds that he enjoys doing some good. (Sock and Ben also tag along on every hunt, no matter how dangerous.) However, apart from numerous screwups with the vessels, Sam also has trouble working for the Devil while keeping his life a secret from Andi, and keeping his job, and generally trying to stay alive.

Reaper is more silly than scary, but it's good fun. There are also several ongoing storylines that keep it from being solely about the nasty of the week. When Sam wants a copy of his contract to find a loophole, it's hundreds of pages long - and in Latin. Sam has a nice time dating Cady (Jessica Stroup), but there always seem to be hints that she's the Devil's daughters. And in a wonderful bit of casting, former co-stars from The State Ken Marino and Michael Ian Black are Ken and Tony, a friendly, polite gay couple who are also demons plotting to kill the Devil.

Far more comedy than action or horror, Reaper proves the supernatural can be quite lighthearted. The cast is consistently effective, even if Brett Harrison spends most of the series acting like a frustrated deer in headlights. For all the supernatural elements, this show is light and amusing: seldom scary, but good for quite a few chuckles.

Overall grade: B

Reviewed by James Lynch

Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

I've been hearing about the new Indiana Jones movie for months now, and it was one of the most anticipated films of the summer. First "Armchair Intern" Ian gives it our highest (and very coveted) A+ rating, without much explanation with his "preview review." On the other hand, Armchair Senior Reviewer Jim is less than enthralled and low balls it with a C-. In the meantime, our resident musical expert Scott tells me that he'd give it a solid B (and that wasn't just for the score).

Hmm. What are we to do? As Armchair Founder and Webmaster, clearly I need to settle this, and come up with a bottom line. So, I got off my DVD watching butt, paused my DVR and took my annual trek to the theater. Jim's review has already done a good job of summarizing the plot, so I'm gonna skip over that. Also, by way of background, I did want to say that I've seen all the previous Indiana Jones films, and would probably give Raiders an A-, and the other two a B+.

Without further delay, I will say that I enjoyed Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. However, after a decade hiatus, still with the input of George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and Harrison Ford, I think it did miss the mark.

Clearly, Spielberg was going for the feel of the serial movie (like he did in the Back to the Future films that I liked very much) that he grew up with on weekends as a child. However, the other films in the series really didn't follow the formula, so it makes Crystal Skull feel like a departure, and "less Indy," at least to me. In addition, the introduction of space aliens to finish the plot, that incidentally look a lot like ET, also didn't have the right feel of Indiana Jones, where the previous films were more classical archeology based.

There were also many plot holes that simply didn't fit. Indiana surviving a nuclear blast in a refrigerator (lead lined or not) was simply implausible, and also dangerous to show children as they could try that at home with disastrous consequences. Swinging on vines to catch up with cars? Again, not gonna happen. Swashbuckling with swords when there is a machine gun mounted on the vehicle, again silly. Ants that devour everything in their path, while well animated, just isn't reality either. Handing bullets and gunpowder to a prisoner also is simply ridiculous. Let's also not forget the barrage of gunfire that Indy gets aimed at him in the warehouse, that magically never hits him, or even grazes by him.

There were at least a few parts of this film that did pay homage to the original films. While somewhat silly, it did make sense for Indy to be less than grateful when his son tries to save him with the snake from the quicksand. I also liked the more subtle cameo by the Ark of the Covenant seen in the warehouse after being side swiped by car during the chase. Finally, they do point out the Harrison Ford is "getting too old for this," as his aching bones endure too much action.

In summary, the Crystal Skull is the least favorite of the Indy films. While devout fans (you know, the ones who own the whip, and wear their fedora to the theater) may be happy to have this franchise back, it feels too much like an afterthought to the originals. While some really well done special effects, a recycled John Williams score and Ford's natural acting ability save this film from a complete disaster, I can only recommend it to others who don't expect a masterful plot, and only barely.

Overall Grade: B-

Reviewed by Jonas

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

Of all the summer movies approaching this year, I am confident that none will be as spectacularly mediocre as Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. This movie, released almost two decades after Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, is neither as bad as it could have been nor as good as it should have been.

Harrison Ford is back as Indiana Jones, the rock-'em sock-'em archaeologist who spends as much time beating up bad guys as deciphering ancient clues. Ford is an action hero in his 60s -- and the movie wisely acknowledges this -- but he still has an adventurous spirit and handles both action and humor with ease.

Unfortunately, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull falls almost immediately into a repetitive pattern: Jones gets kidnapped, fights, escapes, explores some clues, travels somewhere, gets kidnapped again, fights again, etc. This time -- 1957, to be precise -- the evil, generic, we're-fine-if-they-get-killed Nazis have been replaced by the evil, generic, we're-fine-if-they-get-killed Russians. The Russian leader is femme fatale Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett), wielding a sword, sporting a Louise Brooks hairdo, and posssibly possessing psychic powers. She is in pursuit of a crystal skull which, when brought back to its place of origin, is rumored to bestow great powers. (In the meantime it frightens natives, drives some people insane, and causes ants to move away a short distance. Seriously.)

Of course, no Indiana Jones movie would be complete without sidekicks. There's Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf), a 1950s punk (meaning he wears a leather jacket, combs his hair a lot, and rides a motorcycle) who wants to find the skull because the Russians kidnapped his mom so Mutt would find Indiana for help. Mom turns out to be Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen, from Raiders of the Lost Ark), who's spunky and provides sexual tension with Indiana. There's also Professor "Ox" Oxley (John Hurt), whose mind was both messed up and given knowledge by staring at the crystal skull too long. And there's British adventurer "Mac" McHale (Ray Winstone), who changes sides so often I lost interest in whether he was friend or foe.

For a movie directed be Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, Indiana Jones and the Kindgom of the Crystal Skull has surprisingly little magic to it. I didn't mind them substituting science fiction for magic, but the attempt to recreate the old-style movie serials feels less adventurous than seeing Ford jump into a bunch of generic soldiers again and again and beat them all up. Little of the swashbuckling is exciting, and quite a few action scenes are just silly (notably the swordfight while straddling two speeding jeeps, and swinging with the monkeys). This movie wasn't terrible, but it isn't memorable either.

Overall Grade: C-

Reviewed by James Lynch

Shinobi: Heart Under Blade (2005)

Wild kung-fu meets political intrigue meets troubled romance in Shinobi: Heart Under Blade. This wire-fu Japanese martial arts movie blends several elements together in a story that works pretty well.

In 17th-century Japan, two clans -- Manjidani Koga and Tsubagakure Iga -- have Shinobi, warriors with almost supernatural powers. The two clans, living in hidden villages, have a longstanding hatred of each other but maintain a truce brought about by a previous emperor. Fearing the power these clans have, the current emperor rescinds the truce and declares a battle to the death between the five greatest warriors of each clan.

In the midst of these politics are the star-crossed lovers Oboro (Yukie Nakama) and Gennosuke (Joe Odagiri). They are not only members of the opposing clans, but the grandchildren of the clans' leaders. Gennosuke believes it's only a matter of time until they can marry, while Oboro fears their destiny will keep them apart and their marriage can happen "only in our dreams." When clan leaders Ogen (Lily) and Danjo Kogo (Minoru Terada) slay each other, Oboro and Gennosuke become the leaders of their clans. Gennosuke sets off with his warriors to confront the emperor, while Oboro pursues them for combat.

Shinobi: Heart Under Blade has plenty of highly stylized action. The Shinobi have a variety of powers, from the feral man-beast with steel claws, to the warrior whose sleeves and wires can let him fly through the air or capture enemies, to the seductress who breathes poison. (It's very reminiscient of the anime cartoon Naruto, from warriors bouncing from tree to tree to their swatting throwing stars out of the air.) Unfortunately, as with many ensemble movies (such as the X-Men franchise), most characters are one dimensional and exist only to show their powers. (The second disc has plenty of behind-the-scenes material on the action, from storyboards to the filming of the battles.)

As for the non-action scenes, be they romance or poltical, they work to a certain extent. While Shinobi: Heart Under Blade has beautiful visuals, it lacks the subtlety and grandeur of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon but still manages to include intelligence in-between the fight scenes. Many characters argue that violence is the only life they can ever know, and the division between clan destiny and personal desire is handled well by Nakama and Odagiri.

If you're looking for a martial arts film that's more than just fighting, I highly recommend Shinobi: Heart Under Blade. This movie isn't perfect, but it blends preternatural kung-fu with romance and intelligence.

Overall Grade: B+

Reviewed by James Lynch

Walk All Over Me (2007)

The straight-to-dvd movie Walk All Over Me aims to be a blend of comedy, suspense, and kinkiness, but it misses the mark on all three levels. Instead, the movie gives us one-dimensional characters, few laughs, fewer suspenseful moments, and way overdone cinematic techniques.

Alberta (Leelee Sobieski) is a perpetual screw-up. She literally flees from a job at a small gas station in the middle of nowhere when she misplaces the money her boyfriend was to give to a dangerous man. She travels to Vancouver to stay with her big sister Celene (Tricia Helfer, best known as the seductive Cylon on the new Battlestar Galactica). Celine is confident, has a specific life plan, lives in a great house... and happens to be a professional dominatrix. Celine isn't thrilled to have Alberta there, but offers to put her up.

Alberta gets a job at a big retail store, but soon she starts screwing up and needs more money. She goes through Celine's tapes of prospective clients, pretends to be Celine, and meets Paul (Jacob Tierney) to earn some money. After a slightly comical meeting at a mall, they head back to Paul's house -- where he's ambushed. Paul's partner-in-crime Rene (Lothaire Bluteau) is convinced that Paul stole half a million dollars from him, and he brought dangerous thug Isaac (Michael Adamthwaite) and Isaac's codependent brother Aaron (Michael Eklund) to convince Paul to give back the money. Alberta flees (again), but she manages to leave enough info for the bad guys to follow her back to Celine's house.

This movie would have been better if the characters had any depth, but that is sorely lacking. Alberta spends the movie nervous, apologizing, and promising to make up for her latest mistake. Celine is always in control and ruthless -- not that different than Helfer's role on Battlestar Galactica. And the criminals are fairly routine: the mastermind boss, the unstable dangerous one, and the flunky who'll go along with anything.

The story doesn't go anywhere worth following either. Perhaps the idea of a nervous and uncertain woman pretending to be a dominatrix is amusing in theory, but it gets old pretty fast here. (There are a few chuckles seeing Alberta being nervous while acting dominant in the middle of a food court.) There are very few laughs, less suspense, a lot of overdone slow-motion, several plot points that make no sense, and an inability to have anyone drive without hitting something -- even if the car has to swerve for no reason other than to hit something. As for kinkiness, it's an R-rated movie: All you have are Tricia Helfer in some fetish clothes (quite nice, but hardly worth sitting through the whole movie), a few sex toys, and Spencer (Ross McMillan), Celine's submissive client who wanders through the action clueless while bossed around by Celine and Alberta.

If you're looking for a movie with kinkiness, comedy, and heart, watch the nigh-infinitely superior Secretary. Walk All Over Me is a comedy that's rarely amusing, an action movie that's a bit dull, and a kinky movie that's pretty vanilla. My advice: Walk away from this one.

Overall Grade: D+

Reviewed by James Lynch

Iron Man (2008)

The summer blockbuster starts in May this year, and it starts with a bang: Iron Man is a big-budget superhero movie that works very well!

The story follows the comic book character's origin quite closely. Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is a brilliant inventor, president of Stark Industries, famous, and wealthy. He's also a hedonist, willing to drink, gamble, and have one-night stands instead of keeping appointments. His assistant Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) is always trying to keep him on track, his military friend Jim Rhodes (Terrence Howard) wants him to live up to his potential, and his business partner Obadiah Stane (Jeff Bridges) is happy that Stark Industries is making money by making weapons.

Everything changes when, on a trip in Afghanistan, the military convoy transporting Stark is ambushed -- with Stark Industries weapons -- and Stark is injured and captured. Terrorist leader Raza (Faran Tahir) wants Stark to build them some weapons, but Stark finds inspiration in crisis and, with help, builds a large, clunky suit of armor that can shoot flames, punch through steel doors, and fly. Once Stark gets back to the states, he announces that Stark Industries will no longer make weapons. He also begins a very personal project which, after quite a bit of trial and error with a gray suit of armor, leads to the traditional red-and-gold armor Iron Man fans know so well. He makes it his mission to destroy all the weapons his company had made that are being used by the wrong people.

All is not well, though. Stane is outraged that the company that relies on making weapons will not keep building weapons. Further, Raza has found the scraps of the original armor and blueprints from Stark, leading to an even bigger, more powerful suit of armor...

Iron Man is an excellent action movie. First and foremost is the casting. Robert Downey Jr. is Tony Stark, both as the carefree self-absorbed jerk and then as the man whose eyes are opened to the consequences of his actions, and the heroism needed to make up for his cast. Gwyneth Paltrow has a lot of fun with her role, making Pepper into a smart, sprightly woman who both likes her boss and recognizes his flaws; their scenes together have both romantic tension and plenty of laughs. The supporting cast is also excellent, from the shady villains to Terrence Howard as the more responsible pal who's always frustrated by his friend's behavior.

The action and effects also work very well. The armors are a combination of sliding metal and hydraulic gears, creating something both futuristic and almost believable. Director Jon Favreau does better with the Stark-Pepper interaction than with the fight scenes at the end, but the effects are smooth enough that those shortcomings are minimal. My only complaint is that the movie strains itself towards the end by making the bad guys excessively evil so there's no way anyone but hatred for them.

Fans of the Iron Man comic book will find plenty of inside references, from possible characters in future films to a post-credit cameo that could set up a major storyline in the inevitable sequel. Folks who don't know the character will have no problem following the creation and rise of this techno-hero. It's nice to see a superhero movie and a big-budget blockbuster that's funny, exciting, intelligent, and thoroughly entertaining. Iron Man is a great start to the summer movie season.

Overall Grade: A

Reviewed by James Lynch

THE FORBIDDEN KINDGOM

Time for some high-flying, gravity-defying kung-fu fighting! The Forbidden Kindgom is a fun, light movie where martial arts legends Jackie Chan and Jet Li battle countless minions (and yes, each other) to save a kingdom.

This story starts off in South Boston, where awkward teen Jason Tripitkas (Michael Angarano) loves kung-fu movies, has no luck with the local girls, and gets bullied by some one-dimensional teenage thugs. After a botched robbery and quick chase at Jason's favorite store, he finds himself transported back to ancient China, holding the mysterious staff from that store.

In short order Jason meets Lu Yan (Jackie Chan), a traveling martial artist and heavy drinker; he also claims to be one of the legendary immortals. Lu provides the story behind the staff. At a gathering of immortals, the mischievous Monkey King (played by Jet Li) was tricked and betrayed by the Jade Warlord (Collin Chou), who turned the Monkey King to stone. Before being petrified, the Monkey King sent the staff away, and legends say when it is returned by a seeker the Monkey King will be free.

Jason also meets up with the Silent Monk (also played by Jet Li) who, after fighting with Lu, decides to join them. Rounding out the makeshift party of heroes is Sparrow (Liu Yifei), a beautiful young woman and skilled warrior whose family and village were slaughtered by the troops of the Jade Warlord. She has a weapon which can slay an immortal, and she seeks revenge on the Jade Warlord.

The villains aren't as diverse as the heroes. The Jade Warlord is a ruthless leader, skilled and fighting and ruthless in command. There's a deadly assassin named Ni Chang (Li Bingbing), a white-haired killer who is equally skilled with a whip, a bow, or her enchanted hair. Otherwise, the bad guys have hordes of heavily armored sword-wielding troops who know enough martial arts to fight the heroes but not enough to do anything but get their butts handed to them every time.

The Forbidden Kingdom is enjoyable fluff. The fight scenes are impressive, and it's nice to see Jackie Chan reprising his drunken master style of fighting again. Even though the action uses as much special effects and wire tricks as combat, Chan and Li still manage to put on a great show of martial arts. (The other actors are no slouches either.) The story is as much comedy as excitement, and there are no surprises along the journey: We know who's going to find themselves, who's doomed, and what will happen in the end. The Forbidden Kingdom is a good diversion, a movie that's an entertaining way to spend an afternoon.

Overall Grade: B

Reviewed by James Lynch

Conspiracy (2008)

So what do we end up with when we put Val Kilmer into the role of a discharged Marine with some issues, and call the film Conspiracy? Well, direct to video is never the hallmark of high quality cinema, but at least this time it's more watchable than most.

Kilmer is MacPherson, a special forces Marine that was discharged from the Gulf War (it's anyone's guess if it was part one or two) after sustaining an injury. While he's happy to live a completely hedonistic lifestyle on his disability pay, a war buddy encourages begs him to come out to New Mexico where he needs some help on his ranch. After some "hoo-ra's" and "semper fi's" he agrees to make the cross country journey by bus to the border town. However, as he enters a booming town that appears like a gold rush just started, he can't find a trace of his buddy whose his house (we later learn) is burned to the ground. On top of that, some Halliburton type of contractor appears to be controlling the whole place, and have the police in their back pocket.

Now we've got a majorly ruffled Marine asking all the wrong questions as the local law enforcement attempts to escort MacPherson back to the bus depot for a one way trip back to where he came from. Soon, this turns into some type of poor man's Rambo remake, but it is not as nearly engaging as the original as first blood is drawn. As the film progresses, the score gets settled, and we learn what is really going on in the town.

In a medical aside, there's a mistake in the film. In one scene, it's clearly seen that MacPherson has a leg prosthesis on his right leg for an above knee amputation. However, later in the film, he somehow manages to drive a car using his right foot. Despite the latest prosthesis, this simply wouldn't occur, and makes no sense to me.

Medical nitpicks aside, all I can say is that this wasn't too terrible a film, but it wasn't that good of one either. Those looking for some kind of Rambo Lite will think the film Conspiracy is ok.

Overall Grade: B-/C+

Reviewed by Jonas

Lucky Number Slevin

A smart movie is a good thing, but a movie that works too hard at being clever can collapse under its own pretension. This is the fate of Lucky Number Slevin, a crime drama that reminds us constantly how witty it is from the title to the ending.

The movie opens with the killer Mr. Goodkat (Bruce Willis) telling someone at an airport a story of a family wiped out by mobsters and the unpredictable "Kansas City shuffle" where the unexpected happens -- then Goodkat kills his listener.

From there we meet Slevin (Josh Hartness), who's having the day from hell. Slevin lost his job and his apartment and found his girlfriend cheating on him in one afternoon. He's invited to stay at the apartment of his friend Nick Fisher (Sam Jaeger), and on the way Slevin is mugged and loses his wallet. Nick's not at home, and things look like they're improving when Slevin has a "meet cute" with neighbor Lindsey (Lucy Liu) stopping by when Slevin's wearing nothing but a towel. Then the other visitors come.

Two mobsters think Slevin is Nick (remember, Slevin's wallet was stolen) and bring him (still in towel) to the Boss (Morgan Freeman), who thinks Slevin is Nick and wants Slevin to repay "his" debt to the Boss by killing the son of a rival mob boss called the Rabbi. After Slevin is brought back to the apartment, he's picked up by two more mobsters, who bring him to the Rabbi (Ben Kingsley). The Rabbi wants the thousands of dollars Nick owes him in two days, or Slevin will be killed.

From there, things get complicated. Lindsey decided to play amateur sleuth and find out where Nick is. Slevin is caught between the two investigators, plus watched by Detective Brikowski (Stanley Tucci) who's invesstigating the Boss and the Rabbi. The Boss and the Rabbi live in massive apartment buildings across the street from each other, and Mr. Goodkat shows up apparently working for both of them. And Slevin has "ataraxia," a condition that leaves him free from anxiety or worry and lets him drift back and forth as everyone seems to be after him.

The complexity of Lucky Number Slevin could have been forgiven with a dash of realism somewhere. Alas, that isn't to be found here. Virtually every bit of dialogue is so clever it's artificial, and the potentially great cast sounds like it's reading an amateur play. None of the characters are particularly interesting, and considering the immense acting talent here it's a crime for it to go to waste. By the time the movie's convolutions are resolved, you won't care one way or another.

I was unlucky enough to see Lucky Number Slevin. Hopefully you won't be.

Overall grade: D

Reviewed by James Lynch

Apocalypto (2006)

I've always had a fascination with the great societies of Central America: the Mayans and the Aztecs. These were highly developed civilizations, with great cities. Their knowledge of math, astronomy, calenders, and writing was eons beyond anything the North Americans ever developed, and in some cases ahead of European and Asian civilizations. Also, the Mayan pyramids stand to this day as a testament to the vitality of these large cities.

With that context, I set out to watch Mel Gibson's Apocalypto. This director, on the one hand sets out to take authenticity to the extreme with all the dialogue in Mayan. Seriously, how the heck do you find folks that speak this language, and why? Once again, couldn't they dub in an English soundtrack for those of us that are lazy movie watchers, at least on the DVD?

Unfortunately, it gets worse. Rather than show us the great Mayan civilization, complete with architecture, and a size that would have created wonderment, we instead focus on the violence of the Mayans- for the entirety of the film, to the exclusion of everything else. Yeah, I realize that the Mayans weren't exactly into book clubs or knitting, but the only reason for the film doesn't have to be fighting and bloodshed, and not much else.

Between it all, I couldn't take it, and had to eject the DVD halfway through as there was nothing redeeming here. Even fans of Mayan civilization won't be enthralled with Apocalypto. Once again, I think I simply wanted to see a different film.

Overall Grade: Incomplete (Preliminary Grade: F+)

Reviewed by Jonas

Chaos (2005)

How do you incorporate Chaos Theory into the plot of a movie without it turning into chaos? Well, I'm not sure how to do it either, but in this film, appropriately titled Chaos, they didn't figure it out either.

The premise is that Jason Statham is Detective Quentin Conners, a veteran of the Seattle Police force, that with his partner Jason York (Wesley Snipes) had an incident on the Pearl Street Bridge. As a result, York is off the force, and Conners is on permanent suspension. A hostage situation develops at a local bank, and the crooks want to deal with Conners of all people. The plot thickens after the incident when it is discovered that the bank robbers didn't take anything out of the bank that they were robbing.

I won't tell you what they were up to, but I will say that this whole thing was very confusing. At too many points in the film, I was confused who they were talking about until the end of the scene. Also, the characters are not introduced well in such a way that one cares about what happens to them. Between the too many characters, and the confusion, I can't wholeheartedly recommend Chaos.

This is a shame, because parts of this movie are quite well done. The hostage standoff at the bank robbing was strong, and one of the better ones I've seen. Ryan Phillippe also turns in a good performance as the rookie detective learning the ropes from Conners. Unfortunately, despite these high points, Chaos is simply a little too, chaotic for this reviewer's taste.

Overall Grade: C

Reviewed by Jonas