2012
Disney
PG-13
132 minutes
Director: Andrew
Stanton
Taylor Kitsch, Lynn
Collins, Willem Dafoe, Samantha Morton, and some other people.
I
Claim this Cinema for Mars!
I was fourteen when I
first read Edgar Rice Burroughs'
A Princess of Mars. It was
dated science fiction even then, in 1984, and I don't think that it
could have been considered proper science fiction even in 1912, when
it was first serialized as
Under the Moons of Mars in
The
All-Story. But I was hooked nonetheless. It was more truly
science fantasy, in which the tropes of science fiction, such as
airships, alien worlds, and ray guns, coexist with swords and
sorcery. Everything about
A Princess of Mars was thrilling.
It was packed with all the things that an adventure should have:
stalwart heroes, noble and
savage aliens, deadly enemies, lost cities, and beautiful princesses.
I was not alone in my fandom - astronomer Carl Sagan also enjoyed
A
Princess of Mars. No, seriously,
you can look it up!
Nonetheless, it took a
long time for Burroughs' tales of Barsoom - that's the Martian name
for Mars - to make it to the silver screen. Tarzan, another
of Burroughs' characters, saw cinematic fame come much more rapidly,
but the main character of the Martian tales, brave John Carter, was a
purely literary creation for a century. Perhaps it was the sheer
strangeness of the milieu, perhaps it was just too difficult before
the advent of computer graphics to do justice to the myriad creatures
that populate Barsoom, that caused the story to languish for so many
decades, unfilmed.
Now the wait is over.
Disney has just released John Carter, a science fiction
extravaganza aimed at just about everyone. The film's eponymous
stalwart hero, John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) is a dejected former
Confederate cavalryman with a serious attitude problem. While
prospecting for gold in the Arizona Territory, he is sought out by
the U.S. Cavalry (the Seventh Cavalry, no less) for his help in
fighting the Apaches. He refuses, and is imprisoned, but escapes.
While fleeing from the cavalry and running from the Apaches, he hides
in a cave. An oddly-dressed man appears, there is a scuffle, and
moments later John Carter awakes on Barsoom. It will take him just a
little while to figure out that he is not in Arizona Territory
anymore. One major clue is the tusked, fifteen-foot tall, four-armed
green dude that he meets named Tars Tarkas, the film's noble and
savage alien. Tarkas (voiced by Willem Dafoe) is a farsighted and
relatively friendly Green Martian chieftain, especially when compared
to his nastier Thark tribesmen who shoot their own unhatched eggs for
laziness because they take too long to hatch. He befriends John
Carter, and eventually allows him to escape from the Thark's tribal
encampment.
Once free, Carter
makes his way across the face of Barsoom with his loyal kind-of,
sort-of dog-like pet named Woola, a compassionate Green Martian woman
named Sola (voiced by Samantha Morton), and the lovely,
raven-tressed, blue-eyed, pilates-toned Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins).
You see, while Carter wants to get home, Dejah, princess of Helium,
wants John Carter to help protect her city from the depredations of
the deadly enemy Sab Than (Dominic West), ruler of the ugly,
clanking, moving city of Zodanga. Than has been given a superweapon
of sorts by the mysterious Therns, who seek to aid him in conquering
all of Barsoom. Helium, though populated by valiant warriors such as
its jeddak, or king, Tardos Mors (Ciaran Hinds) and general, Kantos
Kan (James Purefroy), have no answers to Sab Than's devastating,
Thern-provided death ray. So Jeddak Mors decides that it is in the
best interest of Helium that his daughter Dejah marry the creepy Sab
Than, and so bring peace to Barsoom.
Do you think that
there is even a chance that John Carter is going to let that wedding
go ahead? Do you think that Tars Tarkas will have nothing to do
with helping John Carter knock the stuffing out of the Zodangans and
ending their imperial designs on all of Barsoom? Do you think that
Helium and Zodanga will resolve their differences peacefully? Do you
think that John Carter and Dejah Thoris are not going to get
hitched by the end of the movie? If you answered 'yes' to any of
these questions, then John Carter is not for you. You also
might want to consider getting out of the house once in a while. But
for the rest of us, who like thrills with our popcorn, John Carter
is tough to beat.
Oh sure, the plot can
be flimsy. The motivation of the Therns, led by the evil Matai Shang
(Mark Strong), for seeking the unification of Barsoom is never really
explained. The Therns seem to exist to manage the ecological
collapse of worlds, and then move on. Mars is a dying planet, and
the implication is that one day, humans will wreck Earth just as Mars
itself has been damaged, and the Therns will then take it
over. But why they decide that the immature dolt Sab Than is a good
candidate for world ruler is impossible to fathom.
Raise your hand if you
really care. No, I didn't think so. John Carter is
rollicking fun, and you should not waste too much time trying to make
it all hang together in your head. Save that for Downton Abbey.
Go see John Carter, and buy popcorn.
Marc
The wonderful boardgame Cosmic Encounter allows for shared victories -- but now players can join together in teams with the new expansion Cosmic Alliance. And if this isn't enough (and for me, it isn't), there's also a new color (allowing for another player) and a collection of new aliens -- some of which aren't that new.
The new color -- white -- gives more color options for the players. More significantly, when combines with the other expansions it allows for massive eight-player games! If you have the players, this will last a long time -- and be very fun (if long).
Cosmic Alliance is a nice expansion, except (ironically) for the new alliance rules. Even if you ignore them, you'll still have 20 new aliens, the option for an additional player -- and another great expansion for the terrific Cosmic Encounter.
