HOW TO SURVIVE A HORROR MOVIE by Seth Grahame-Smith

Sure, we've all seen horror movies. We've all laughed at how stupid the characters are, and how they should do this and shouldn't have done that. But what if you find yourself in a horror movie? What if the aliens are invading, that doll really did move, or the masked figure with an ax is behind you right now??? Fear not (okay, fear a good deal), because there's a guide to surviving the Terrorverse! How to Survive a Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith (author of the relevant Pride and Prejudice and Zombies) (and the far less relevant
The Big Book of Porn) has tips on everything from killing vampires to performing an exorcism to dealing with that haunted house you live in.

After determining if you're in a horror movie ("Does everything look slightly grainy? This could indicate that you're being shot on film. Or that you're developing cataracts. Either way, not good.") and what sort of horror movie it is, How to Survive a Horror Movie gets into giving you survival tips. After some general advice (the six C.R.A.V.E.N. steps and the Seven Deadly Horror Movie Sins), the chapters go into genres (slashers, inanimate objects, aliens) and sub-genres for each one ("What to Do if Your Corn Has Children in It," "How to Survive a Night of Babysitting," "How to Tell If You've Been Dead Since the Beginning of the Movie"). There are also "Ejection Seat" tips for desperate escapes, random lists ("The Toolshed Arsenal," "Are You in a Sequel?") and even an extremely, er, original way to defeat Satan. How to Survive a Horror Movie also has an introduction/apology from Wes Craven, a list of horror movies to watch, and "Five Completely Inessential Horror Movies."

How to Survive a Horror Movie is a terrific tongue-in-cheek love letter to the horror movie genre. Grahame-Smith has clearly seen and loved the best and the worst of horror movies, and instead of dryly listing the rules and pitfalls he presents them as a survival guide. The advice is insanely over the top ("shoot first, never bother asking questions"), as is the commentary on the characters and situations ("Take some busty teenage girls, add an escaped mental patient, and you've got the romantic comedy hit of the summer! Just kidding. He kills them all.") If you've enjoyed or hater the horror genre, you'll find plenty to laugh at here. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go wander around in the cemetery in the dark on the anniversary of the insane killer's death...

Overall grade: A-
Reviewed by James Lynch